where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
