when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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