I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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