did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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