Will you blow on my dice?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
