If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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