i don't plan on having that self control this summer
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
