Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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