So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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