walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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