He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
