So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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