Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You can't special order awesome
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
