Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
