omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
