I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
