i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
