you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
sex in a hospital.. check
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
