i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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