Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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