someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
