You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
