I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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