just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He kissed a someone with a penis
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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