dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
