I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour