smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
