I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
