I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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