I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
