if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
