I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
