My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
