Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I need to align my fucking chakras
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
