well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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