Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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