Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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