This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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