I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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