i'm signing you up for texting rehab
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
