At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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