I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
