dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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