Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
