it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
