haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
