So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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