Your face is a jimmy john
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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