my shit smells like andre
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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