It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
