I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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