my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
How's work?
Spinning.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
