Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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