btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
