Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Did I show you my penis last night?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
