Will you blow on my dice?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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