3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
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He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
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I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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