I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
