This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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